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Day 11 of 100 - Honesty and consistency and self reflection

Updated: Nov 3, 2022

Things probably aren't going as well as I was hoping they would. I'm staying consistent though so that's a win.

The thing I am struggling with a lot is gluttony and food. I have some pretty bad habits around food and spending when I really shouldn't be. It's not something I'm proud of. It's wrecking my body and makes me feel like shit.

Even though I go to the gym 6 times a week, my weight plateaus when I have these spells of poor eating. Reaaaally poor eating. Gluttonous and non stop followed by several other bad habits I don't really want to talk about.

There's this feeling in my gut which compels me to just go and get food. I don't really try all that hard to deny it. What usually happens is I eat myself to a point of sickness where I want to quit because I end up just feeling like shit. But this is a cycle I've been repeating for years and years and years now.

Honestly? I try to meditate on it and discard it from my mind.But I don't really want it to disappear cause I love eating.

I get angry when I don't get food I want, and I end up just chasing after food I want when I get the idea in my mind. I never try to let it go. I just always wait until I have the food then enter into a guild spiral.

It's sad and pathetic.

I remember once being a pig farm in South Korea at the main centre for the meditation I do. I watched the pigs when I came to feed them. It was a stampede to the food, the air filled with their wild squeels as they pushed through and over ech other for food. I was disgusted at first, judging them for their mindlessness. But then it hit me. They WERE mindless - they are just living as their form. But me? I have a choice, and I fill my body with shit food and shit thoughts.

I'd like to sit here and say "TOMORROW IT STOPS!" but I don't actually believe it because I keep going back to eat when I feel stress in my body.

Not sure what to do with it.....

But like always, I'll get up tomorrow with gratitude and try again.

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