So yesterday, after having my amazing brother DW call me at the right time, with the right words, I was left in a state of insane positivity. I have been riding that positivity throughout this entire day and have been in a state of blissful gratitude and sublime energy.
And seeing the world unfold before my eyes. People being attracted into my life that appear to be matching my frequency... The magic is happening. I am hoping I can help this person. In fact, I know that "I" can't, but True Self can.
As the day has progressed, I have hit a "wall". Exhaustion. I have been feeling so positive, it's almost as if my body can't handle it. It's as though the gratitude is trying to find a place of rest in this mind and in these cells, but it can't because they are too impure, so it is shaking up the entire being.
It's like throwing a rock into "clean" water where there is dirt and sediment resting on the bottom - shit is stirred up. This is what it feels like.
Loneliness has been stirred up. Although, it's not a crippling loneliness; but a lingering loneliness all the same. My companion in lonely times is alcohol, music and the familiarity of deep feelings. So off I went to get beer, followed by a 6 pack of guilt and regret. These habits. These fucking habits.
It was triggered by a conversation with some male friends about girls. Telling me I can manifest the type of girl I want. This is not something I have faith in. A part of me does, but the other part of me doesn't see how that's possible in my current situation. The girl I "love" is someone who's name I don't even know, in another country - but "I know I love her". Pffft.
It's the stupidest thing. A picture. A memory. But I can't let it go. It makes my heart sink. I know the world doesn't move according to my mind..... And what the universe is putting in front of me does not match that. It makes me feel like an absolute arsehole, triggering a loop of self loathing.
Who do you think you are?
You think you're better?
Why do you deserve what you want?
And so I feel ungrateful. It's a riddle I can not solve. It's a mind that won't easily disappear... And then if I can't have love, then I think about the fleeting pleasures of sex, and even that... Agghhh! 36 years old and I can't even approach a girl - even when I KNOW they're attracted to me. Then a cycle of frustration begins.
BUT. Nevertheless. Tomorrow, I will wake up, with gratitude in my heart and in my mind.
Today was a beautiful day, and if I reflect, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am writing this with the warmth of alcohol coursing through my blood. And I don't care. My heart has melted. And I don't care. Because I feel connected to my Mother.
PS - what a gorgeous house. Grateful for what I get to do every day and explore these beautiful streets.
And even though I drank, and that habit is usually followed by dirty eating, tonight I am drinking a healthy vegetable and grain shake. That's 8/10 times I've not followed that mind. Bit by bit.