Yesterday, the day became soured by my self consciousness. Today, I woke up with that same mood. It's a really deep mind to be honest. I felt uncomfortable, and my habit of wanting to cancel my social outings came up. But I tried meditating and discarding the thoughts, and I think that helped a bit.
I'm very grateful that I didn't, and that I just went because both events I went to ended up being a lot of fun. But, not gonna lie - I feel flat. I am totally lacking in confidence, but whatever. Still writing this. Want to force myself.
A great realisation
I have this gluttonous habit for enlightenment (perhaps I should call this "Tales of an Enlightened PIG"). I just want to continuously see Mother and Father in everything with some great, miraculous enlightening moment. Even if it happens many times a day for weeks, when it stops, I am greedy for more, and my faith becomes fickle.
But at a church today, listening to a sermon (not religious), hearing one guy talk about his experience must have set the thought in motion. While I was doing an Instagram Reel, doing cut to cut to cut, waiting for the next cut, it just hit me - this is what life is like living in time. How can I possibly expect each and every moment to be some kind of radical enlightenment? Just like the Reel, there's parts of the day that are exciting, others which are mundane. And that's a by product of living in time and space.
It settled my heart.