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Day 7 of 100 - "I really want to quit"

Updated: Oct 31, 2022

This thought is really permeating my being. Which is strange, because the day started so positively!

I made a new Instagram reel, had 2 free introductions to meditation for people, and one of our members came to the centre and I shared cryptocurrency with him, told him all about Hex. Then he bought me lunch and we meditated. It was a nice day full of energy. Until he left. Then I kind of "crashed".

What really triggered it is when I looked at the reel, and I thought I hated the way I looked. It's funny, the part I got self conscious about, is actually what someone left a comment about! I got a haircut yesterday and I always feel like this after a haircut. Get a lot of inferiority and self consciousness.

It's reasonably easy to detach myself from most thoughts, but when it comes to my body - it's not so easy, because it's there, and it's physical and visual. I think it really put me in a shit mood. But also, it's a weekend, and weekends tend to have this rhythm.

And now I want to quit. Because it creates an avalanche of negativity at the lack of results on Instagram or on here.

I just want to quit!
I'm not good enough!
Who's going to listen to you?
You're the biggest joke!
You're ugly, you'll never get followers!

I wish I could just accept that and get on with life. The top 4 I can, but the bottom 1 I can't. I can't seem to reconcile that point in my mind or in my life. A friend called me up as well and he had a big conversation about girls and what they want, and while I agreed with what he was saying, in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't going to work for me cause I have that huge blockage in my mind.

But isn't it strange that he'd called me up to talk to me about it today, when that self consciousness was so strong? Isn't it sstrange indeed.

My energy feels low as I write this. Depressing. But in the spirit of this, I'll keep moving forward. Tomorrow is a new day.

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