Whilst on this journey of the 100-day gratitude challenge, there have been ups and downs.
For a long time, it's been smooth sailing and my mind has been mostly free of negativity. It's been a huge blessing and a huge transformation.
"Stress testing" the mind
However, recently I have been putting my mind under tremendous stress by building this algorithm. It's not easy - there's a reason why over 95% of people fail. It's really not easy.
Through doing that, I've come face to face with my limits. It's been like "stress testing" the boundaries of my mind.
A "meltdown" moment
Last night, I had probably what some people would call a "mental break down" or a "meltdown".
Today was going to be the day that I started forward testing my system (trading it in real time with a demo account for 6 months) and I didn't feel it was quite ready, but it's the goal I set myself, and I didn't want to fail.
But I saw the limits of my algo and started to have overwhelming doubts about whether it would work, and tried to change things at the last minute.
Then I realised.... Ahhh.... This is my habit! I've been doing this since university.
Architecture is a creative field. It's science + art, one of the only professions on the planet like this.
Trading is the same. But I got caught in the "science" of it, and started to freak myself out.
When I was studying, because it's creative, there's no end to how far you can push a design.
We would often do all-nighters before submitting our final design assignments for the semester, and one of my habits was to change and tweak it right down to the last minute - I was never satisfied.
This is what I was doing yesterday. That same pattern was rearing its ugly head.
What did I do?
Everything in my mind comes according to what I have in my mind!
If I have negativity - I attract negative people.
If I have doubt - I attract sceptical people.
It's... Profound. I wonder if people TRULY understand this logic?
This time though, things were different.
That mind hit me like a tonne of bricks - it was so deep. I stayed up until 4am trying to figure things out and move past it....
And I kept praying, and praying, and begging the Universe to help me with this mind....
And then the darkness lifted.
What's it been like today?
I just kept going (with my eyes hanging out of my head). I just kept moving!
I did the things I needed to do, and I finished what I needed to do, and I stuck to the plan, for better or worse!
Whether this algorithm comes good or not, at this point it doesn't really matter.
This is about the process now. This is about finding those hidden thought patterns and negativities and habits and LETTING THAT SHIT GO!
If not now, then when?
Has to be now. Has to be gratefully let go of....
This is profound.